Don't Tell Me What to Do

We all wore blue for Blue Friday :) And they even graced me with this photo so I could add it to the Day in the Life of Diabetes Mosaic through the American Diabetes Association. Thought it was kind of a cool thing :)  Being their Mom is every day in my life... blessedly :) I liked that my pump site could be seen for this pic- I love arm sites! Just try not to use them too much since I know I already have scar tissue thanks to shots.

And over the weekend since I had somewhat of a realization; or maybe just an extra strung out thought process...

I don't like doing what I HAVE to do.

Once something becomes less than optional, I don't have much interest.

Who does, right? But diabetes control and consequences make it... bigger than just daily little this and that.

I don't want to get too out there, but I think this whole concept might be why I have any struggle whatsoever with diabetes control. I don't have it in the forefront of my mind as a form of spite I think. I don't revolve around it because I really don't have a choice but to.

I don't even photograph my mid-day blood sugar readings because I posted that I would. And all of the sudden, it wasn't just a good idea towards improvement. It became something I HAD to do. And so I didn't do it.

And I get it, I get it... Of course I don't HAVE to have good A1C's. Only if I want to be able to see my whole life. Or walk, or not live in a hospital, not be a burden to my family. 

I'm kinda hopeful that realizing the whole twisted mess involved here will in itself be helpful. That, more than committing and posting and challenging, I'll be able to basically slap myself across the face when I get spiteful. Obviously more than a challenge aimed at improvement, I need just a call to stop being stupid.

When I go to not do what I know I should on purpose (yes, yes, that happens); or ridiculously try to take back control by essentially forfeiting it, I just need to stop and get my head right. Realize what I'm really doing. Not paint myself into a corner with yet another something I feel life I HAVE to do. Not get down on myself for how screwed up I really am. Just stop. And carry on, move ahead. Decide I am in control by... ya know, being in control. Novel idea. :) 

Another great parting shot, the one I actually entered into the mosaic...

These two are worth it (and their Dad)... worth anything.

Sky

A Challenge to Myself

Yesterday I got an idea for a little challenge I could put myself up to that might be a good thing. The thing about posting is that it encourages me to follow through for real!

Truth: I pretty well always test my blood when I first wake up in the morning. I also like testing just before I go to bed so I can actually sleep... novel idea. But the times inbetween? Ya know, the huge majority of the day? It's really a total shot in the dark as to what with happen with my testing then.

I'll take insulin for what I eat, but often not test to know if I got it right or how to dose beyond that. For real, lots and lots of days I've just kinda gone from 20 unit dose to 20 unit dose, meal to meal, hoping it covers whatever else happens in the process.

All this honesty on here... I'm not sure quite yet if it's liberating or nerve-wracking! To make sure it's not just for laughs and doesn't result in real improvement, back to that challenge I had in mind for myself...

For the rest of this month, since its Diabetes Awareness Month, at some point I'll post two pictures of my mid-day blood sugars. Even if they're crappy... kinda like these ones. Actually, I thought they weren't half bad- anything in the 100's still I'm pretty happy about. But, I know, these barely qualify... I was stoked with how close together they were though! That I didn't eat without correcting in those four hours or get my carb count totally wrong :) Anyway...

I'll share these either on twitter (@DoneDiabetic) or instagram (cre8ivesky), or here. Or maybe both :) I'll use the tag #middaybgchallenge for my own sake and on the hope that by some miracle someone's actually reading and cares to join in too!

Hopefully by the end of the month, I've gotten into a good habit of being more aware of testing during the daytime hours. Then I'll stop bugging everyone with numbers ;) I'm excited! It's exciting how this blog has put diabetes more into the forefront of my mind. Naturally, that helps me better. Instead of trying to pretend it doesn't exist or having this inner hatred eating me inside, I'm just putting it all out there. That seems to be taking away its power. :)

Thanks for reading! I'd love to see your #middaybgchallenge numbers too :)

Sky

The Ball and Chain

Today's #dmpad (Diabetes Month Photo a Day) prompt: relationship. So much ran through my head, but I went with a touch of humor (ha, ha- pretend you chuckled, k?) and decided to highlight the love/hate relationship I have with the old ball and chain, my Medtronic MiniMed Paradigm.

It's not new. In fact, it's quite old. But it works. I got it before we were trying to have Cooper and wore it until after Ryder was born (they are now 6 and 4). Took a break until just this last August. And my most recent A1C was down a whole point. (Ya know, from 9 to 8- woo hoo!) :P

Truth: (because, remember, that's kinda why I'm even here) It's hard to tell if the pump is really a good thing for me. It's good for convenience. Nice to have insulin right with me anytime. So that I can dose after I eat and all.

Ok, ok, ok... I don't wanna just be disparaging about myself and therein make my complacency a good thing. I want to be able to joke about how awesome I'm doing, leaving a trail of test strips wherever I go type thing.

But for now, it's true, my pump is abused. Or better said, I abuse pump therapy. I don't want to have that print out my endo gets tell him how many carbs I just ate, so I dose manually instead of using the wizard. Or I've only tested once a day like usual, so there is not BG number to input anyway. Or I realize I just ate something random and there goes an easy bolus again.

My favorite thing about it, beyond the ease and access, is that it reminds me to test. Here's another truth: when I test my blood sugar, everything improves from there. I know that testing is the key for me. I don't react weirdly to carbs or drop like a rock for no reason (knock on wood). If I test, I can change and improve how my day goes, how my life looks, what my future holds.

So for now, despite standing up and walking away without realizing the pump is being left behind, or catching my tubing on yet another cupboard knob in my kitchen and ripping my site out, or the crazy $700 charge for one box of supplies that will only last 6 months, I'll choose love over hate with the pump. With any luck... or maybe it's effort... My next A1C will keep dropping and I'll see another 7 for the first time in few years ;)

Thanks for reading! Even if only a few of you are seeing this, it's feeling good to do on this end :)

Sky

Photo-a-Day: PROUD

There's way more than I could list in one post that I'm really NOT proud of when it comes to diabetes, to my management choices. And as this blog gets off the ground, I'm sure I'll get plenty of them out in the open, in the hopes of taking away their power. I know, that probably makes no sense.

I'm trying to join in on a Diabetes Month Photo a Day idea I saw at the great diabetic blog Six Until Me. Today's prompt is 'proud' so I don't want to dwell on the things I'm not proud of for now :)

My only real solid thought of something I'm proud of relative to diabetes was my boys. Gosh I was more diligent when I was hoping for them and expecting them. I tested and logged and had 6 range A1Cs. If nothing else, I'm proud to be a Mom, proud that Type One Diabetes didn't prevent me from doing what I've always most wanted to do in life. :)


And in other news... gotta love mail like this...

...why again do I even have health insurance? I know, I know... don't answer that. Still... this is part of why I just resent diabetes so much! This is the last thing any family needs- the ridiculous expense of dealing with something they have no choice but to deal with.

Same reason I don't believe there will ever be a cure. But, that's a thread for another post :)

Hoping your coverage is better than mine and you have something relative to diabetes that makes you proud too- you DO ;),

Sky

I'm just...Done.

I’ve had Type One Diabetes since I was six years old, for 26 years. (Yes,that means I’m currently 29 ;) And really, I’m just done.

Ya know when you get to the point of dealing with or working on or trying toward something that you just can’t hardly do it anymore? I’m just done having diabetes. Done with it never being good enough, with success never lasting.

But, cue the screech in the record, because it’s not like I don’t care about consequences. I’m a Mom to two awesome, rambunctious little boys, and a pretty cool stepmom to two more. I’m married to a man that blessedly thinks I’m pretty wonderful. I want to be around, in good health, for them, for their kids and their kids’ kids.

I get it that mediocre diabetic control in the name of trying to prove to this disease it doesn't control me, and I can choose to be "done" when I really can’t, only means I’m forfeiting what control on my future I do have.

I say I’m done with diabetes, but really I’m done with the worry about it. With struggling to get to sleep at night thanks to fear of what the future holds, of physically cringing at the thoughts of kidney dialysis and so on.

I’m done with knowing what I need to do, having all the tools to do it and feeling all the while like I’m walking into a wall. Done with battling myself and loosing. My endo likes to tell me I have a lack of reality, but I’ll stand firm in saying that’s not true.

To clarify: I do count carbs and I do dose insulin. I’m not wandering around thinking I’m invincible  I’m wandering around waiting for the ball to drop. Knowing that I’m setting myself up for real misery in having to look back and know I brought poor health and dependence on myself.

That’s what I’m really done with. I’ve blessedly been generally free of diabetic complications to date and I want to take the right path at the crossroads of keeping it that way.

The awesome thing about diabetes is that it is within my control to affect. It has been for me at least. 

I’ve been a blogger for more than five years, sharing family goings on and my crafty, creative endeavors. I really enjoy blogging, but another thing I’m pretty burnt out on is the competition and idealism of the craft blog world. I need blogging to be an endeavor where I share something real, something that will affect who I really want to be, instead of make me feel like I simply can’t stack up, yet again.

It occurred to me that I could use blogging to un-bury a sense of hope and possibility regarding diabetes in myself. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. So here I am.

I won’t be sharing perfect blood sugars… at least not all the time ;) Here I’ll be sharing how I really feel and what really happens, my real improvements.

Confession (this is the part where, even though I'm a grown woman, my own parents should stop reading ;): I’ve gone days, even weeks, without testing my blood. I’ve only thought to take insulin after I’ve eaten and can feel my blood is high. I’ve had the thought that I need to dose and totally ignored it. And I’ve had horror images of dialysis scroll through my head all night long. Or been distracted all day at the thought of being wheelchair bound while my husbands and sons have to wait on me, while I sit there in absolute misery at it all.

But wait… I’m done with that.

Looking forward to being real and sharing, celebrating and uplifting others, here :)

Sky