I’ve had Type One Diabetes
since I was six years old, for 26 years. (Yes,that means I’m currently 29 ;) And
really, I’m just done.
Ya know when you get to the point of dealing with or
working on or trying toward something that you just can’t hardly do it anymore? I’m just done having diabetes. Done with it never being good enough, with
success never lasting.
But, cue the screech in the
record, because it’s not like I don’t care about consequences. I’m a Mom to two awesome, rambunctious little boys, and a pretty cool stepmom to two more. I’m married to a man
that blessedly thinks I’m pretty wonderful. I want to be around, in good
health, for them, for their kids and their kids’ kids.
I get it that mediocre diabetic control in the name of trying to
prove to this disease it doesn't control me, and I can choose to be "done" when I
really can’t, only means I’m forfeiting what control on my future I do have.
I say I’m done with diabetes,
but really I’m done with the worry
about it. With struggling to get to sleep at night thanks to fear of what the
future holds, of physically cringing at the thoughts of kidney dialysis and so
on.
I’m done with knowing what I need to do, having all the tools to do it and
feeling all the while like I’m walking into a wall. Done with battling myself and
loosing. My endo likes to tell me I have a lack of reality, but I’ll stand firm
in saying that’s not true.
To clarify: I do count carbs
and I do dose insulin. I’m not wandering around thinking I’m invincible I’m
wandering around waiting for the ball to drop. Knowing that I’m setting myself
up for real misery in having to look back and know I brought poor health and
dependence on myself.
That’s what I’m really done with. I’ve blessedly been
generally free of diabetic complications to date and I want to take the right
path at the crossroads of keeping it that way.
The awesome thing about
diabetes is that it is within my control to affect. It has been for me at
least.
I’ve been a blogger for more
than five years, sharing family goings on and my crafty, creative endeavors. I
really enjoy blogging, but another thing I’m pretty burnt out on is the
competition and idealism of the craft blog world. I need blogging to be an
endeavor where I share something real, something that will affect who I really
want to be, instead of make me feel like I simply can’t stack up, yet again.
It occurred to me that I could use blogging to un-bury a sense of hope and possibility regarding diabetes in myself. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. So here I am.
I won’t be sharing perfect
blood sugars… at least not all the time ;) Here I’ll be sharing how I really
feel and what really happens, my real improvements.
Confession (this is the part where, even though I'm a grown woman, my own parents should stop reading ;): I’ve gone days,
even weeks, without testing my blood. I’ve only thought to take insulin after
I’ve eaten and can feel my blood is high. I’ve had the thought that I need to
dose and totally ignored it. And I’ve had horror images of dialysis scroll
through my head all night long. Or been distracted all day at the thought of
being wheelchair bound while my husbands and sons have to wait on me, while I
sit there in absolute misery at it
all.
But wait… I’m done with that.
Looking forward to being real
and sharing, celebrating and uplifting others, here :)
Sky
And I am looking forward to reading what you share. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kerri! How nice to read a comment so quickly- obviously still very much a work in progress! Looking forward to staying connected!
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