I’ve had Type One Diabetes since I was six years old, for 26 years. (Yes,that means I’m currently 29 ;) And really, I’m just done.
Ya know when you get to the point of dealing with or working on or trying toward something that you just can’t hardly do it anymore? I’m just done having diabetes. Done with it never being good enough, with success never lasting.
But, cue the screech in the record, because it’s not like I don’t care about consequences. I’m a Mom to two awesome, rambunctious little boys, and a pretty cool stepmom to two more. I’m married to a man that blessedly thinks I’m pretty wonderful. I want to be around, in good health, for them, for their kids and their kids’ kids.
I get it that mediocre diabetic control in the name of trying to prove to this disease it doesn't control me, and I can choose to be "done" when I really can’t, only means I’m forfeiting what control on my future I do have.
I say I’m done with diabetes, but really I’m done with the worry about it. With struggling to get to sleep at night thanks to fear of what the future holds, of physically cringing at the thoughts of kidney dialysis and so on.
I’m done with knowing what I need to do, having all the tools to do it and feeling all the while like I’m walking into a wall. Done with battling myself and loosing. My endo likes to tell me I have a lack of reality, but I’ll stand firm in saying that’s not true.
To clarify: I do count carbs and I do dose insulin. I’m not wandering around thinking I’m invincible I’m wandering around waiting for the ball to drop. Knowing that I’m setting myself up for real misery in having to look back and know I brought poor health and dependence on myself.
That’s what I’m really done with. I’ve blessedly been generally free of diabetic complications to date and I want to take the right path at the crossroads of keeping it that way.
The awesome thing about diabetes is that it is within my control to affect. It has been for me at least.
I’ve been a blogger for more than five years, sharing family goings on and my crafty, creative endeavors. I really enjoy blogging, but another thing I’m pretty burnt out on is the competition and idealism of the craft blog world. I need blogging to be an endeavor where I share something real, something that will affect who I really want to be, instead of make me feel like I simply can’t stack up, yet again.
It occurred to me that I could use blogging to un-bury a sense of hope and possibility regarding diabetes in myself. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. So here I am.
I won’t be sharing perfect blood sugars… at least not all the time ;) Here I’ll be sharing how I really feel and what really happens, my real improvements.
Confession (this is the part where, even though I'm a grown woman, my own parents should stop reading ;): I’ve gone days, even weeks, without testing my blood. I’ve only thought to take insulin after I’ve eaten and can feel my blood is high. I’ve had the thought that I need to dose and totally ignored it. And I’ve had horror images of dialysis scroll through my head all night long. Or been distracted all day at the thought of being wheelchair bound while my husbands and sons have to wait on me, while I sit there in absolute misery at it all.
But wait… I’m done with that.
Looking forward to being real and sharing, celebrating and uplifting others, here :)